Inner Voices
I had an epiphany recently. I was doing my evening stretches and thinking, pondering on the tarot card for the evening. Osha Zen’s “Inner Voices” card. As my mind wandered over my life and goals I realized that I had been focusing too much on weight loss (a theme of struggle co-dependent with my self image). I had been making good progress over the past few years and needed to focus on what changes I had already made and how it made me feel. I need to hear my inner voice that says to LIVE my life, not focus so much on my body that I forget to enjoy where I’m at and what I’m able to do.
As I continued to stretch and think I realized there is very little in my life that I want to do that I cannot because of weight. The first thing I thought of was wearing high heels on a regular basis. In high school I wore three inch heels everyday. Through most of my college life I wore them. I miss wearing sexy shoes. I have lost enough weight that I can wear high heeled ankle boots on days when I don’t have to walk much. But wearing a regular gorgeous pump is still eluding me.
I can’t ride a bike comfortably. Perhaps because I haven’t really tried. On the other hand, where am I going to ride it and why? I live on a hill near fairly busy streets. For me to ride a bike like I used to I’d need to take it out to the countryside. This is probably more of a practice issue than a real physical cannot. The same goes for riding horses. I don’t have one to ride regularly and I feel weird on one since I weigh 80 lbs more than I did when I had a horse. It would probably be fine if I’d just practice.
There’s a lot of things that make me uncomfortable because I weigh so much. Things like airplane travel, though with how irksome security is now… But I go swimming when I want, I can walk and go up stairs, dance, sing, laugh and even stand up after sitting on the floor.
So I can’t wear high heeled pumps. Well BFD. I’m healthy, I have a wonderful husband, great friends, a car that gets exceptional gas mileage, perhaps it is time to focus on the good and see if that won’t help this next 10 lbs melt away.
Lirala's Letters 